Told someone’s secret and lost a friend…
Got caught cheating by a priest in religion class in high school..
Missed a penalty kick in a semi-final shoot-out…
“It wasn’t my fault.”
From an early age, I stepped into a dangerous spiral of blame and release.
I refused to take responsibility for things I could, and at times could not, control.
It was too hard, too intrusive and said too much about my worth.
After all, if I was the kind of person who told others’ heart-wrenching secrets, how would anyone ever trust me?
How would I ever trust me?
And it was easier to blame someone else.
For years – I held the victim card like an Ace.
I hated that card in theory, but I played it anyway.
So then, when I did something great and someone gave me credit, I made sure the whole world knew about it.
It’s almost as if I needed to overcompensate and cover up some of the shitty things I’d done.
Imagine that.
Not wanting to look bad, putting your best foot forward, whatever you want to call it.
It was and is really real for me.
And now, I struggle sometimes with not being acknowledged.
In my journal, here’s what came out…
My whole childhood, I struggled with wanting and needing to feel heard.
Truth is – I never felt significant.
I never felt important enough, smart enough, pretty enough, funny enough, good enough.. and that translated into:
I don’t matter.
When I would do amazing things..
It’d be eclipsed by all the things I wasn’t seen for.
Because the point wasn’t that credit wasn’t given…
It was that I felt like the credit I’d earned was being ripped away.
It was stripping me of the right to feel important, to feel significant and to feel like I mattered.
Now what?
I didn’t meditate, journal it out and now it’s gone.
I still deal with it… more regularly than I care to admit.
But because I have that awareness around it, I can see the situation for what it is.
And hear my mantra playing through my head:
I’m safe. I’m important. I matter.
Because at the end of the day, what really matters is not what others think of me..
How important, smart, pretty, funny or good they think I am.
All that really and truly matters is what I think of me.
And you know what – I’m pretty fucking awesome.
When you let that sink in,
And really appreciate you and value you for doing the best you can, it’ll change your world.
Simultaneously, it’ll change how others perceive you too… not that it matters, but just sayin’.
So don’t collect or seek credit for things.
Accept only the credit you give yourself.
Just make sure you don’t starve yourself of that right.
We all need regular love and acknowledgement – it’s up to you to choose the source.
I choose me.
Who do you choose?